Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Weighing up my bread heating options
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!