Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
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“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My daily affirmation
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Milk Cube
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few