Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
#parenting
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
don’t we all
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.