Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h