Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Brother?

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person