Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
me when i see my girls butt
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…