Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Customize Your Wedding.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.