Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards