Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care