Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier