writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
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Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I feel this so hard
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.