Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.