Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
scared to check what name she chose
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.