[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
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People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Pot warmers of the day.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!