[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
2023 was just a warmup
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.