Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Guys which shade of gery should I get

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.