Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]