Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

$3 #books

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.