Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
this post was so formative to me
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Woke up against my better judgement again
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*