Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”