Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
United Steaks of America
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.