Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
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About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Who says great literature is dead?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do