Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Lmao
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea