Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
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My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Oh thanks BBC.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Waiting for the Charmin
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Only short people can save us
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*