Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
The only equipped I am is ill.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
fourth time’s the charm
me linking you to my twitter
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.