Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
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damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’d love this…lol
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I have two kinds of followers
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red