Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.