(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
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Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day