Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

okay run it by me one more time

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Breaking news:

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers