Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

mathematically impossible

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what