(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

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Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’


When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”


“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.


Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.


I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.


*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*


WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck


I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!


Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.