@Ivsy01

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

You Might Also Like

@Eenfidel

Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’

@MumsieEsq

When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”

@GlennyRodge

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

@dlockw21

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

@Billhenry16

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

@MaryKoCo

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

@bobvulfov

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

@Screwoff315

I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!

@HatfieldAnne

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.