(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
being a writer on Twitter:
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement