Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

Good morning