[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”