Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.