[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa