[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”