[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail