[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
This rocks
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
White parent Vs Arab parents
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.