[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.