[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
You Might Also Like
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
SQUARREL
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit