[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
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Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?