Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

He’s cranky this morning

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.