Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

#JohnTravolta

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please