[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
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how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Sheep
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”