Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?