Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win