Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

a New Yorker reject, for you

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?