Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
