Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
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IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
May have had one breakfast too many
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
