Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

all that yoga finally paid off

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.