Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Good morning.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away