Writing, She Murdered.
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That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
That 👊
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.