Writing, She Murdered.
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My work here is don’t.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
🤣🤣🤣
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.