Writing, She Murdered.
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Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
He has no idea 🤡
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.