Writing, She Murdered.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
All right then, keep your secrets
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things