Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
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The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Pigeon open mic night.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998