Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
You Might Also Like
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I just ran a .003048K
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open