Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
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I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE