Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic