Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

my professor scared me for a second

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

According to math, I’m broke

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break