Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper