Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

WTF

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

They’re really bad with fonts.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.