Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

sigh

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx