Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
“what that mouth do?” complain
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?