Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Suuuuure
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)