Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.