Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.