Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given