Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

I stand by it

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

Florida man

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

the zen of frog

I hate when that happens.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

is nasa ok

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine