Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

[family thanksgiving in 2020]

HER: hey the turkey is still frozen

ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”