Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it