Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

There is no try. There is only give up.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

He’s cranky this morning

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.